In Her Head
by MachetesWithRena
Summary: What is real? What is pretend? Homura, locked in a constant battle with her insanity. Her magical land of Puella Magi is nothing but an illusion, a bittersweet Wonderland for her to escape to. Can she ever break free? Rated T for swearing and possible mild-effs.
1. Chapter 1

**_Giving this a try. Seeing how it goes. Hopefully it goes well. Maybe. The first one is a little short, but I just want to test the waters with this one. This story _is _a little more intense than the others I've done. I really tried to capture the essence of Homura's state of mind. _**

**_Please read and review! It would make my day 8D I hope you enjoy this!_**

**_- MachetesWithRena_**

* * *

Homura shot it again.

Looking down on the bloody mess, she could barely make out the sickeningly pure white fur as two mangled red orbs stared accusingly back at her.

"You know, you can never get rid of me."

Homura cocked open the magazine of her pistol and skillfully loaded in more bullets.

"One day… one day I'll kill you, Incubator. And when I do, you will never, ever hurt anyone ever again."

She looked straight at it.

_I mean it._

I'm sure you do.

Homura searched its eyes for a sign of emotion, perhaps regret, a sign that this monster was even worth her pulling the trigger.

Nothing.

A great anger flared inside of her.

She fired the gun.

* * *

Homura's eyes flung open as the ear-splitting cry of a gunshot ricocheted through her mind. She stared at the bright lights overhead that blinded her. She turned over onto her side, and looked around her at the ever so familiar sight.

White everywhere. She _hated _that colour.

She knew where she was. She was in that other Now that she experienced often. She swept her bare feet off the hard bed, head aching at the non-exist ant cushioning that the metal provided, flinching a little as her toes touched the cold floor. Her neck itched. It itched and itched and itched… but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't reach it.

It was just that _damned _jacket.

She struggled in an attempt to get out of it.

Useless.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Homura brought the back of her head down on the wall behind her once, twice, thrice, and felt bits of the weak plaster crumble onto the iron bed, some getting caught in her long, black hair. The crack behind her was left painted with a red stain.

She leaned back, turning her neck up and resting the very crown of her head onto the imperfection in that pristine wall. As she stared intensely at the ceiling above her, her eyes glazed over with desperation, anxiety, fear and anger. Boiling hot anger, streaming through her blood like poison. She felt it dripping from the wound on her head, and with each drop that fell on the metal; the sound reverberated throughout the enclosed room.

It was taunting her.

_This is so __**fucking **__dumb! I need to go back. I need to kill Kyuubey! I can't let him turn Madoka into a Puella Magi… _

"Homura! My god, did you hurt yourself again?" Homura's pupils darted forward as the she eyed the dreaded sight of those revolting mustard yellow twin-drills. _Her._ The Nurse keyed in that week's combination on the security pad and hurried in, hastily grabbing Homura off the bed and spun her around. Homura felt the Nurse start to use a cloth to clean where it hurt.

It stung like hell.

Grunting, Homura pulled away from her, stumbling a little. She cocked her head back in defiance.

_Don't touch me._

She heard the Nurse sigh with anticipated defeat.

"Well come on then, it's time for your session with the Doctor again."

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit._

The Nurse reached forward and aimed for Homura's arm.

_I don't want to see him._

Homura pulled away and kicked the Nurse in the shin, hard. The blonde crumpled to the floor, hugging her bruised leg towards her chest.

Then everything was a blur.

_I don't want to see him._

Doctors and nurses came rushing into the room.

_I don't want to see him._

She let out a blood-curdling scream as they pinned her to the kicked and shouted and struggled and cried with all her might but couldn't get free.

_I don't want to see him._

She could feel the warm, salty tears dribbling down towards the floor. She could feel the sharp pain of the needle piercing her delicate skin.

The room swirled.

Then all was black.

* * *

_**I hope that was decent, haha. It's a pretty different concept, but I personally thought it was kind of cool, I don't know . Please review or PM me (though if you're going to flame please PM me, thanks)! I'm accepting any feedback, positive or negative. Still fairly new at the FanFiction game, but hopefully I can get through without losing my soul in the process. **_

_**- MachetesWithRena**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Second one is out! Well that was fast. Though, majority of the time spent on this chapter was mostly just getting the tenses right and doing research on the Witch Runes and the Faust references... This one is much, MUCH more confusing than the other one, and follows the timeline of events that happened in Episode 1 of the anime. Hopefully you'll get the connection between Madoka, Homura, Mami, Kyuubey and Homura's reality by the end of this chapter (Sayaka's connection comes later!)**_

**_Please read and review 8D It would make my day!_**

**_-_**_ **Machetes With Rena**_

* * *

_Das sind mir unbekannte Blumen._

_Ja. Sie sind mir auch unbekannt._

_Schneiden wir sie ab?_

_Ja. Schneiden wir sie ab!_

_Die Rosen schenken wir unsrer Königin._

_Und die schlechten Blumen_

_steigen auf die Guillotine._

_Ja. Schneide sie ab!_

_Ja. Schneide sie heraus!_

* * *

When Homura regained consciousness, she found herself on a couch. _His_ couch. She sat herself up and looked around the office, trying to pull her mind away from the immense pain pulsing in her neck from where those doctors and nurses are injected her with anesthetics and relaxants.

The Doctor's office was as dodgy and tacky as could be, but Homura was used to it by now, even though it still kind of freaked her out. On his walls, hanging off the disgusting maroon wallpaper of his, were pictures of all his previous patients that had "graduated" from his institution. Gone to a better place, as he called it.

She studied them. They were all girls. Strange.

First was one with short, curly ash-black hair, and she donned a beautiful star-clip to hold up her locks. Her eyes were wolf-grey, full of kindness and compassion. Homura knew that she would have been a caring person if they had met. Under the picture was the name, "Anne".

The second looked quite exotic, with toffee-coloured skin and kohl-black shoulder length hair. Below her straight cut bangs were mysterious grey-blue eyes, burdened with eye-bags, but gleaming with power and authority. Her face wore a determined frown. Under the picture was the name, "Cleo".

The last one was a Westerner, with sandy yellow hair and deep Emerald eyes. Homura could have mistaken her for a boy, what with her pixie cut locks. However, from her thin stature and feminine bone structure, she could tell this girl was a female. Her face donned a beautiful smile, full of fire and spunk and enthusiasm. Homura wondered how the girl felt having to see the Doctor every week like she did. Poor thing. Under the picture was the name, "Joan".

"Homura, my dear, you're up."

_Oh god._

In waltzed the Doctor, clad in his signature three-piece suit, with a pink inner shirt, that disgustingly bright fire-truck red vest and the typical sleazy white blazer. In his pocket was a rose.

"_Doctor._" Homura's voice was laced with distaste, her eyes filled with hatred.

She _hated _the Doctor with a passion. On the outside, he carried a façade, seemingly caring and compassionate, layers and layers of deceit and lies, hiding his inner core of a black, rotten heart. Homura could tell, by the way he walked, always in circles around her, like he didn't want to be near her, like he didn't want to be tainted by her being. To him, she was nothing more than a monster.

_You're the monster, you freak._

Homura hated nothing more than this man. This man who coated his words with sugar and unskillfully shrouded his true nature with sweetness. A wolf in sheep's clothing, he was. The Doctor didn't want to _help _her, he wanted to _laugh _at her misery, _laugh _at the way she was suffering in this goddamned institution.

"Why so distant, dearie," he sauntered over to his desk, opening up a small container and reaching inside, pulling out two peppermint candies, "come on, loosen up. Candy?"

Homura glared at him, drilling into his eyes. She spat on his priceless little fur carpet, hissing at his entire being. For a moment, his guard faltered, and the side of his mouth twitched in pent-up anger.

"F-fine then," he recovered, "more for me, ha-ha!" He fit the two sweets into his mouth.

Homura sat in silence (only broken by the sound of the Doctor crunching up his candies) letting the tension grow and the Doctor opened the second drawer from the top of his study table, pulling out his pocket watch. He looked at it endearingly. To the Doctor, this was his treasure, his baby. He probably treated this small trinket better than his patients. Pulling out a small handkerchief, he breathed steam onto the pocket watch, and then wiped it clean with the cloth.

"Now, let's begin."

Homura tried to fight it. The sleepiness. It was futile, as usual. She let her soul rest. This time, just this time, she would let him win.

The last thing Homura remembered was the hypnotizing oscillation of the pocket watch and the Doctor's sugarcoated voice.

* * *

Homura couldn't see. Sprawled out on the floor, she was blinded by foam – fire extinguisher foam. Homura struggled to wipe the foam out of her eyes. She coughed, desperate to get that bitter tasting stuff out of her mouth. As she tried to get up, she her foot lost grip and she fell to her knees. What exactly was happening?

* * *

Yes… she had been chasing Kyuubey. That nasty little creature had been fast, and through complexities and darkness of the maintenance floor it had been hard to see him. She had run and run and run some more, trying to get a clear shot at its grotesque face.

From the air she had pulled out an Accuracy International AWM .338 Lapua Magnum. She had previously stolen it the other day from the British Army, and had decided that this would be the perfect use. She had closed one eye, aiming the sniper rifle carefully at the white ball of fur bouncing around the area.

_Ping! _

She had missed.

_Damn it. Come on, Homura, what are you doing._

Another shot.

Blood had splattered, dirtying the once pure coat of Kyuubey. It had picked itself up, fumbling around a little, and had started to sprint off once again, red crimson drops quickly congealing into a scab on its side.

_That thing heals fast. _

As messed up as it was, Homura had been enjoying this very much.

Kyuubey had deceived them, made their lives miserable, and most importantly, it had caused Madoka so, so much pain. In her hands she now had an assault rifle. She had kept her finger on the trigger, not even bothering to take proper aim, letting the bullets fly. They had ricocheted off the maintenance site's metal support bars, and Homura didn't even flinch as they had bounced back towards her.

She had let go. Her eyes had narrowed.

Had she hit him?

From the corner of her eye she had spotted it stumbling towards the staircase, its sides dripping with blood from multiple gunshots.

_Come back here._

Homura had started towards the stairs, slowly, menacingly, letting her anger flow through her like the course of a winding river.

And that's when she had seen her.

_Madoka._

"Oh no!" Madoka's voice had reverberated throughout the empty floor, "What happened… who did this…?"

"Well whoever it was… he's a monster… hurting such an innocent creature like that!"

Miki Sayaka.

_No, you're wrong! That thing! That __**thing **__is the monster!_

_ "Don't touch that._"

Homura had emerged from the shadows.

"Did you do this?!"

"Homura-chan? Why?!" Madoka's eyes had searched Homura's with so much desperation and confusion.

_Oh Madoka…_

"Kaname Madoka, put it down." Homura had hardened her heart, and had shown no emotion as she had watched her beloved cradle that monster in her hands.

"No! You'll only hurt him again!"

"Give him to me. _Now._" With reluctance, Homura raised a firm arm up, and pointed a handgun at the pair.

The duo had gasped, eyes wide with fear.

"Please, Homura-chan!"

" _Now!"_

"Homu-"

Madoka's words had been cut off, as Homura's vision had been filled with white foam, and she fell to the ground, startled.

Sayaka had dropped the fire extinguisher, had grabbed Madoka's remaining free hand, and had run.

* * *

As Homura recalled the events in her head, she sensed something else. It was in the air. That smell. She knew what it was, and what it meant.

_Roses._

**_Dai bluhenden rosen sollen de. _**

**_Dai bluhenden rosen sollen de._**

Homura got up, and for the first time in ages, she felt fear. Fear for Madoka. She was alone, without powers, facing Anthony, a _witch's familiar_. She had to save her.

* * *

"What is this place…?" Madoka trembled as she and Sayaka stood in the middle of an elaborate labyrinth.

They were scared out of their minds.

All around them, butterflies fluttered, and roses danced.

**_Kein Durchgang._**

**_Zutritt verboten._**

Colours travelled and shifted and changed, making Madoka dizzy with confusion and at the same time awe.

**_Das sind mir unbekannte Blumen_**

**_Königin sofort geschenkt sein._**

The smell of the flowers was sickeningly sweet, and everything was so, so terrifyingly _beautiful_.

**_Die ersten Knospen sollen gepflückt sein._**

A chanting filled the air, drumming into their ears.

**_Rosen sollen vorsichtig behandelt sein._**

Cold sweat dripped down their faces, and their facial muscles locked in the expression of fear.

**_Die üppigen Äste behindern gute Durchlüftung._**

Small creatures materialized.

**_Die blühenden Rosen sollen der Königin sofort geschenkt sein._**

They danced according to the music, their cotton-heads bouncing and their moustaches twitching with excitement.

**_Man soll einmal mit Ja antworten und ordentlich in Reihen marschieren._**

Their butterfly-wing-like abdomens shook to the chants, and they formed circles around the two petrified girls.

**_Man soll die Äste planmäßig zurechtbiegen._**

The voices got louder… and louder… and louder…

It was ear splitting.

Their blood curdled.

A symphony of screams lifted into the air.

Then there was a flash of bright yellow.

**_Ja, schneiden wir unserer Königin._**

* * *

This was not good. It was too late. Homura was locked out of the Familiar Anthony's Labyrinth.

_Fuck._

She could feel it rising in her chest. That desperation and that fear that all was lost. Did she fail again, so early in this timeline…?

"_Fuck, fuck, fuck!" _

Homura banged her fists against the barrier, hoping to at least crack it or make a dent in it.

Nothing.

She screamed.

* * *

"Hold her down!"

Homura was kicking and she was screaming and the pain in her head drove her insane. She could feel it eating her up inside, taking over her mind like a parasite.

She could feel the Insanity winning.

_Madoka! Madoka!_

Her eyes widened with agony and she could feel her toes curling up as her muscles wound into a tight coil. Her body shook with electricity and her shouts dissolved into the background.

"Get the medicine!"

_God, another needle._

"_No! Get away! Madoka!" _

A sharp pain in her neck.

And then she felt her whole body relax. She couldn't move. All she could see was the Nurse and that shitty Doctor. She could smell the Nurse's gross-smelling hairspray and the Doctor's peppermint breath.

"Let's… try this again, shall we?" The Doctor's voice was shaking with unconcealed fear and unmistakable frustration.

The pocket watch started to swing.

It felt good.

Homura sank into the dark.

* * *

It was Tomoe Mami, that big-chested freak. She always thought she was the best, and she always thought she was the Savior, in every single timeline Homura had ever been in. It annoyed Homura to no end.

By her side were the trembling Madoka and Sayaka, panting furiously at their first encounter in a Labyrinth. Mami's expression was telling. Kyuubey's eyes drilled into her's.

_I win this time._

_You won't turn them into Puella Magi._

_Really now._

With a flick of her hair, Homura turn her back on the trio. She clicked her Time Shield.

* * *

Homura was angry. Not with Mami, not with the Nurse, not with Kyuubey, not with the Doctor. She was angry with herself.

Madoka was safe. _Thank the heavens._

But the one that saved her wasn't Homura. It was Mami.

Her head was a constant three-way battle between her, her Insanity and the Doctor. She couldn't let either side win, and take away her one solace, her true best friend… Madoka.

She wasn't going to let the Insanity take over, and ruin her Wonderland of a mind. Neither was she going to let the Doctor control her mind and turn her into a puppet like he did with Mami.

Madoka was out of harm's way, for now. However, the battle was ultimate won by Kyuubey and its shifty little bimbo puppet of a messenger. Trust Mami and her charms to win over innocent people to join their death parade. But this time, it wasn't just anyone… it was Madoka.

_Madoka._

* * *

Homura gained consciousness on the couch.

The Doctor looked on with a triumphant grin on his face.

_I win this time._

* * *

_Du mußt verstehn!_

_Aus Eins mach' Zehn,_

_Und Zwey laß gehn,_

_Und Drey mach' gleich,_

_So bist du reich._

_Verlier' die Vier!_

_Aus Fünf und Sechs,_

_So sagt die Hex',_

_Mach' Sieben und Acht,_

_So ist's vollbracht:_

_Und Neun ist Eins,_

_Und Zehn ist keins._

_Das ist das Hexen-Einmal-Eins!_

* * *

**_I tried to make it as easy to understand as possible... but this concept is, as a whole, very, VERY complicated. If you have any questions about the plot you can always PM me! However, don't expect any spoilers. Also, this FanFiction is supposed to be for interpretation (like a literature book). You can decide whatever you want in regards to the meanings and intricacies of the storyline. _**

**_Again, please read and review 8D!_**

**_- MachetesWithRena_**


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